The Victim Experience in American Rape — Rape by a Fed Agent

This is an actual email to the US Department of State, after a coercion call by their Agent J. Agent J (male) tried to force C.Kimberly Toms to say, “I am pleased for the State Department’s handling of the case” (he was recording the call) and when she would not do so after more than an hour, he told her, “I hope you get the therapy you need.”

It is important to me that I apologize for some things.

First, I want to say that I apologize for being so difficult. I don’t know why I thought I was entitled to being upset or offended by Fed. You know, sometimes I start thinking I have a voice, and it gets away from me before I realize that I have no right to have anything to say about any of this, nor anyone to say it to. That is, nobody with any legal power in that matter. Legal power is only for those on the giving end of the rape, or those who hire such individuals. I finally understand that.

I failed to hear the Chesapeake PD, when they told me they couldn’t tell me how to stop Fed and that me getting therapy was the solution. See, I have this switch in my brain which is askew. Something is wrong with me, in that I harbor anger over money being stolen, my ATM card being forced from me, my life threatened, uncomfortable sex when I just don’t feel like doing my duty, strangling being mimicked and threatened, my children being threatened, the open access to my house, all of the cyber stuff…I forget my place and that all of these things happened to me because I am needing therapy. If I could remember that therapists hold the power to erase actions of empowered men with guns, then I would be a better witness.

I also need to apologize that it is such a pain to deal with my resulting trauma. I realize that I am supposed to be strong like men, maybe strong like male Feds are, when they are raped. They handle it so much better. You never hear them complain or expect “justice.” They’re better at this. I see that. I just remember my nose running, tears all over me and him, trying to hold back vomit. How do the male feds do it? Are they able to look good for the camera? See…I worry that I won’t look good on whatever feed or film. Maybe I can be taught some pointers and poses?

And it was silly of me to expect anyone like Jared C to have integrity in returning any form of communication, when I was “referred” to him. He was so eager for me to speak with him, when I called Civil Affairs. Again, silly me…just when I think a man will have some wisdom to impart regarding the handling of my female emotions after an agent in his department raped me and did everything else to me that I should expect anyway – as I am the blonde girl who has it coming and CLEARLY enjoys the attention. And I need male attention so much right now…I really wanted a man to call me.

As for quicker justice, let’s just say I was an idiot to think it was worth that. I get it. No more need be said.

When people insinuate that I make claims and things may not have really happened, I should be okay with that. Because all of this is supposed to be fun and I’m just making it uncomfortable for everyone.

And since we can only use the rape to get anywhere legally, I am wrong to have any of the other, bigger and more insidious acts affecting me. Again, men like Jared could teach me a thing or two about knowing my place.

Every time I come out of a PTSD episode, I realize how screwed up I am for expecting any support or agency advocacy. What am I thinking???

After all, Jake sought me out and developed a whole fake identity before me and that is my fault. He didn’t do that because he wanted to, but because there is something about me that told him that staging a fake life was the right thing.

I need to learn what I should have learned in my teens: women who look like me, really – let’s get down to it – women in general, put ourselves in these positions and shouldn’t expect anything from it. Since he is a fed, I should be okay with it taking so long. Why should it bother me that he gets paid for vacation of almost a year, while I can’t work? Where do I get these notions…

I really have to apologize. I am hoping that by the time I reach my sixties or seventies that I will get it in my thick skull that ignoring the “victim” and expecting them to just shut up and believe in fairy tales is the right path. Not “tattling” on a fed is the right path. What the hell was I thinking?

I can’t believe how offended I get by him setting me up to shoot me. See, he didn’t shoot me because I ran the other way and got away from the house. So no harm, no foul. I’m thinking the therapist will make me understand that. I mean, a fed is entitled to aim, as long as the victim doesn’t step into the crosshairs or get shot. Then it gets a little messy because everyone has to get on board with his story of the victim bringing it on herself…just as she made him use a fake identity and throwaway cell. That’s what women like me do. We make good men do these things because we are so intimidating. That Austin Powers movie where the girl shoots from breast-implanted guns screwed up everyone’s impression of large chested women. We’re all packing heat, right? It is natural for an officer to want to shoot and it is wrong for me to have a problem with it.

My sister used to tell me I never stand up for myself. I always said, “No…I pick my battles.” I picked the wrong one. I should have gone with something cleaner, like when a teacher sent me to detention for talking and I went, despite it having been the girl sitting in front of me. I need to learn when to stand up and when to be a good girl and get in line behind the other women and shut up.

But then, my dad always complains that I never ask for help. So I guess I misunderstood that and asked for help at the wrong time. See…I am screwed up all around. I can’t please anyone. That’s me. I never ask for help, I never stand up for myself…and then when I do, it was my fault and I am a problem…like a dangling participle. Things that dangle are so annoying.

Everyone else who goes through what I have by a fake identity-using fed handles it so much better. What is wrong with me???

And who am I to think I’m entitled to PTSD??? It’s not PTSD. I’m actually just a whack job doing this for fun. There’s no trauma. I’m not entitled. Again, back to the whole thing about how these men who are feds and expect me to handle it as well as they do…when they get raped in the face, when someone so magnetic as Jake demands other acts against their will, when being stalked. They are so much better at delivering those acts gracefully. Maybe Jared has some pointers? I could use those. I could tell by the tone of his voicemail that he handles such things better.

And because I’m so angry about this and I can’t just shut up and play nice after a year with no action against him, I need to do what our country was founded for us to do in such situations: shut up and sit down. I am not so important that I have a right to say anything. I think I get these behaviors from my mother. Pretty sure about that.

I need to quit living in this fantasy world that any of this happened. I need to remember that he is a good guy. He was hired because he is a good guy. Sure, women were offended before, but they probably looked like me and we are all t-r-o-u-b-l-e. We have these fantasies of causing a ruckus. Because starving, being unable to work effectively, not earning a living, moving twice over 1200 miles each time, losing all of one’s personal possessions along the way…those things are so inviting that we blonde/blue divorcees get so enticed and drawn in by the shininess.

Gosh. I know I am such a pain in the rear end. I feel so badly for everyone who has had to deal with me. The nerve…I’m so “entitled.”

And the hackers…no pressure for anyone else, there. Why do such things bother me? Why can’t I handle such stress better, when other people redo their year of work over and over and over without being upset at all? I’m lazy, often.

And this cop who is trying to make me cry…you know if you just cry in front of cops, they feel more than 5 feet tall. Why do I resist so much? When will I understand that you just don’t go against the brotherhood of cops who’ve never met each other in their lives? I mean, they’re cops. So they’re right and I’m wrong. Duh.

You know, one of these days I will get it that it is all me. It’s me. I caused Jake to do these things. It is perfectly natural for a 51 year old man to hang from Mommy’s breast, just as that prince did in Game of Thrones. See, I just watched that series and I didn’t realize until I saw it that I am the one who mothered improperly and I am the one who likely has a child with mental issues because I didn’t allow breastfeeding into adulthood. Jake is totally sane, as is Mother.

I didn’t really go to all of those police officers. Well, I did – I’m quite sure – because I can see them in my head and a few of them had fat bellies, two were really short, one was sitting in his car, one was standing in a convenience store holding the floor in place…but I probably didn’t really say anything to them. See, I love short, rotund men. And there’s that fetish I have for men with guns. Short and guns. And polyester uniforms. Hot.

Next time I have a PTSD episode or flashback and have memories, I will remind myself I don’t matter in this. It was only one rape, after all. And I loved it. Just like men do. I have to remind myself of that. Be strong like men. And little men are the strongest. But I still have to do whatever a 6’2″ fed tells me without complaining. It’s my duty. And stop causing men to use fake identities. And never expect humanity. God, I am spoiled…I need more brainwashing and programming. “I am not allowed to speak. I am not allowed to speak. I don’t matter. I don’t matter. Do as Jared would. BE like a Jared. WWJD. WWJD. WWJD?”

I’m such a little person to be aiming so high. Instead of health class, they should round up the girls and send us to a special class for learning how to handle these things with more grace and silence. 6th grade, 7th, maybe a few years of it. They should teach us how to hand over our ATM cards and codes without complaining, how to be face raped with feeling your neck will be broken in one movement, how to call the local BBQ grill detectives when an armed fed rapes you in his house, how to position yourself so you look best on hidden camera, how to smile in a blackmail photo, how to shut up and be shot without running like a coward…and how to not be a total pain the ass during a YEAR LONG investigation from hell that goes absolutely nowhere and appears to not exist, while the fed bankrolls and you starve. It is your American duty to do these things more gracefully. There should be a class. For graduation, the bimbos should only be allowed to get their sheepskin (no pun intended) if they gracefully handle wearing a deer suit during hunting season, with Jake-types pursuing them. It could be public, like a rodeo or Hunger Games. You survive, you graduate. I wouldn’t make it that far, I think. But then, they say each generation is better than the one before it…

Since everyone is learning from me and what kind of victim to not have, maybe that is something to remember for next time a girl is stupid and whines about a fed “offending” her: have a class…put all the stupid blondes in one room. It can be the Scharlat School for Shit Stirrers. The shortest street cop can teach it. Be sure to enlist one who was routinely bullied in school…they are the best, especially around women who do stupid things against the brotherhood…or try to speak or gain information…or expect cops who do criminal things to be held accountable.

WWJD.

I keep saying I’m the victim here, but that’s where I get it wrong. I’m the aggressor.